Q&A
Sibling Rivalry
Question:
How should we deal with sibling rivalry? My 4 year-old daughter absolutely refuses to share things with her toddler sister. There is endless squabbling, yelling, pinching, competition for attention and fighting over toys. It seems impossible to keep the peace at our house!
Before your second child entered into the picture, your older daughter was the baby of the family and got your undivided attention. All this changed with the addition of a little newcomer: Mommy and Daddy start paying more attention to the little sister, and your elder child may have perceived this as losing her parents' love. It's these little fears that are making your daughter compete for attention.
There are lots of things you can do to help your kids get along better and work through conflicts in positive ways. But first, you have to re-establish your elder child's sense of security by reassuring her that she is still special, and that Mommy and Daddy haven't stopped loving her.
Start by organizing family activities that are fun for everyone. Doing things together as a family will allow your children to develop a sense of belonging and let them realise that they are equally important in their parents' eyes. Make your older daughter feel involved by delegating some manageable tasks of looking after her sister, and don't forget to praise her when the tasks are completed or when she's nice to her little sister! Positive reinforcement will increase her sense of worth and achievement and encourage her to repeat the good behavior.
Of course, one of the keys to successful sibling adjustment lies with the parents themselves. As parents, we should never compare our children nor treat our children differently. This is very, very important. Avoid favoritism!
Fairness also extends to how you react to sibling conflicts: Don't make the mistake of punishing the older child and letting the younger one get away unpunished. It's easy to get carried away with our instinct to protect the younger child, but this will only escalate the older child's resentment towards her younger sibling!
In fact, when the squabbles are non-violent, the best thing is to let your kids work out disputes themselves. This actually helps them develop important skills on how to resolve conflicts with others. However, when things get aggressive and you decide to intervene, always find out the cause of the dispute before scolding or punishing a child and ensure that there is impartial treatment.
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